In 2020 I was diagnosed bipolar 1 after suffering a psychotic breakdown. Before that event and subsequent diagnosis I always thought I was just a "tortured artist". Throughout my teens and twenties, to make sense of my depression and anxiety I would frame it as "creative fuel", a necessary component of the art-life.

Now, thirty-nine staring down the barrel of forty, I know that couldn't be further from the truth - a narrative I adopted to cope. "Tortured" is not a necessary state of being to be creative. In fact, I find that when my state of mind is relatively clear and geared toward positivity I'm able to create more fluidly and thoughtfully.

Regardless, I'm consistently bothered by something called "intrusive thoughts". These are exactly what they sound like, automatic, reactive, intruders that cling to the mind and refuse to let go (without proper treatment, of course). My intrusive thoughts tend to be about death and self-harm. I very much don't want to die and I very much don't want to hurt myself, which is why such thoughts disturb me so much and seem so powerful. It's taken years of therapy and meds to get to a place where I feel somewhat at peace with them.

A few years ago I made a short film, Do Other People, that's all about living with these intrusive thoughts. It was selected by the Chicago-based Mental Filmness Film Festival.

Click to check it out. It's about 5 1/2 minutes.

Let me know what you think in the comments.